We have two cats.  Both of them are purebred Maine Coon Cats; one of them we bought from a breeder in Georgia five years ago, and the second one was a rescue cat we received through the same breeder about six months later.  For our purposes here, we will call them, respectively, Fat Cat and Flat Cat.

Fat Cat is…well…fat.  Not only is he fat, he’s big.  Really honkin’ big.  He’s the feline version of an NFL lineman that’s let himself go to seed after a knee injury ruined his career.  In his youth, he was a big, powerful, athletic, twenty-pound graceful leaper of a cat.  Now, as he hits middle age, he’s twenty-nine pounds of gray-and-white tabby inertia.  He’s also dumber than a bag of hammers.  He’s lovable, he’s snuggly, he’s a big furry emotional sponge that doesn’t mind being cuddled when one of us is having a bad day.  But he’s rock-stupid.

All this description leads up to this morning at about 4:00 am, when I was awakened.

By Fat Cat lying down.


I don’t remember much about waking up.  I vaguely remember grabbing various Fat Cat appendages, trying to push the big pile of furry Jell-O off my forehead before my skull shattered.  According to my wife, I was randomly cursing, with the only coherent words being “CAT ON MY HEAD!”

After a few seconds, I managed to get my head free and sit up…in time to look back at my pillow and see Fat Cat, unruffled, lie down on my pillow (the entire thing) and look at me with this “durrrr, hey boss, dis is soft!” look.

His landing on the floor was not a gentle one.


7 Responses to “Caticide”

  1. Mommacow Says:

    And after the random cursing, while I was trying to get you and Fatzoid separated with the minimum possible amount of lacerations, I said something to the effect of “It’s OK, hon”. (Look, it WAS 4 AM, and I wasn’t coherent either.) You looked at me like I’d gone nuts and repeated “CAT on my head!”

  2. Itanya Blade Says:

    At 4AM, we are all about as smart as FatCat.

  3. Lewis Says:

    I probably had a concussion, what was I supposed to say? “Oh, dear, I appear to have a fine furry specimen of ‘felix dumbassicus’ exerting a good bit of rather smelly pressure on my cranium, could you be bothered to help me remove him, my dear?”

  4. Anna Says:

    While my comparatively svelte, 12 lb flamepoint siamese does not create the kind of breathing/concussion hazards of FatCat, his purr is loud enough to rumble half of the bed.

    And he’s discovered that with my head on the pillow, there’s just enough room for him to curl up around my head (rather like a pair of feline headphones), where he proceeds to purr, rattling my brains and making an effective wake-up device. If only I could train him to start this stunt at 6:30am instead of 4…

  5. Lewis Says:

    When Fat Cat was merely Large And Not Yet Fat Adolescent Cat, he would do that whole on-the-pillow thing and lie down half-behind, half-on my head. Uncomfortable, but easily remedied because I could still get the leverage to push him off without moving. But he hadn’t done it in years, and certainly not since he turned into Jabba the Cat.

    You can only imagine the purr from a 29-pound Maine Coon. It sounds like the prettiest, most smexy well-tuned aircraft piston engine you can ever imagine–loud, low, deep, and perfect. Provided he’s not trying to kill you, if this big, warm, squishy, furry, purry cat cuddles with you on the bed, you’re asleep in 20 minutes or your money back. Guaranteed. He’s better than Sominex, Ambien, or an Al Gore speech.

  6. Lewis Says:

    He sort of tried it again this morning. It woke me up, but instead of lying down on my cranium and attempting to splatter my brains on the wall, he just sat down next to me, with some thank-you-God-not-stinky part of his rear third pressed up against my head and his tail draped across my hair, and purred. If he gets in the habit of doing this, it’s really going to mess with my sleep…and I don’t need the help.

  7. DRF Says:

    Holy crud in a handbasket. This reminds me of the time my big fat stupid cat realized that my sister had brought her small and skinny but equally stupid cat to come and live with us.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: